Pastor Joony The Looney.

Harvest

While it’s normal for most families to have at least one member who is for all practical purposes considered the resident douchebag, it is rare, however, when ones inclusion to the category ‘douchebag’ itself (having done douchebaggery at such an epic scale) manages the almost impossible feat of adding insult to injury to the run-of-the-mill douchebag.

Joony (name has been altered — or, actually, maybe it hasn’t), is that guy; he’s a douchebag. Not just any ordinary douchebag, mind you; he’s the douchebag with which the douchebaggery of other douchebags simply pales in comparison.

Suprisingly — or, perhaps, unsurprisingly — Joony is a pastor. He claims to be the ‘best example’ of God’s love because (or so he alleges) he had such a shitty life and was able to turn it all around. Followed the light and shit. Of course it isn’t all shenanigans. But a lot of it in fact is:

It’s true that Joony, as a boy frollicking through life as it were, barely rose above the excremental because of drugs and the various assholery people are known to do under its influence. But while he likes to claim this was all daddy’s fault, the fact remains he has no one else but himself to blame. Daddy didn’t lay a finger on him any more than he needed.

He knows this. Anyone who has had the misfortune of knowing him and who has zero incentive in perpetuating the fraud knows this. The only actual question is whether he’ll admit this.

He won’t because one simply does not get to bible-thump, make self-righteous religious pronouncements and pastor like a boss if all one had going for oneself is that he were once an asshole who did drugs. If your daddy spanked you with wanton cruelty, however, then you’re the man who can tell people how to do shit. If you’ve endured beatings as a child, which presumably got your head all messed up as it were, then, obviously[!], it could’ve only been through divine intervention that you got straightened out! Hell, it would all have been nothing short of a bona fide miracle, and, thusly, confirmatory to all else that one is, like one probably keeps claiming, not only privy, but intimately so, to the word of the one true God!

“I’ve been there! I’ve turned it all around! Can you not see the tears in my eyes!? Can you not see the pain I’ve been through: beatings from daddy, drugs and shit! Therefore listen to me! I know shit! Oh.. and.. we’re having a second collection..”

It’s not like Joony-boy was delicately stretching the truth about his past, exaggerating here and there. Rather, he outright lied about it. Bearing false witness is low, sure, but bearing false witness and sullying the name of the man for whom you were everything for pastoral credibility is really scraping the bottom of the barrel.

It’s also more than just a curious thing that this fraudulent (and flatulent) dim wit loves to subvert responses to his verbal attacks by pointing out how awesome his family is. And by ‘awesome’, he means he hasn’t left his wife. No, really, that’s what he means. It’s a strange thing because by gloating about something so galactically mundane, he actually succeeds in doing the opposite of what he intends. Which is to say, he tells us there isn’t in fact anything awesome about his wife. Surely it isn’t just me who thinks that if one always feels compelled to remind people one hasn’t left his wife, then perhaps it’s time that one does in fact leave her.

Lastly: it’s amusing, if not downright bizarre, that Joony only challenges people to a fight — and not just a ‘fight-fight’, but the full-contact MMA kind — after threatening to sue. That is the oddest thing. Is he not aware that thou who threatens violence whilst threatening to sue shall be referred to as ‘pussy-boy’?

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Posted on July 27, 2013, in crap and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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