Why We Hate Twilight, And Find It Fun In So Doing.

Erika Christakis, in her article for Time, writes that Twilight-haters are harsh bigots.

Erika Christakis doesn’t get it, actually. It’s not that “female fantasy is derided and feared” at all; it’s that this particular “fantasy” incorporates the sort of vapidness that appeals to, shall we say, the more sophomoric segment of the population.

There’s no denying that the movie is horrible by any respectable metric. The dialogue is senselessly asinine; how anyone can stomach more of Edward Cullen’s ridiculously overly amorous one-liners like “Last night was the best night of my existence” or “Let’s start with forever” is seriously mind-boggling. I mean, that kind of drivel should be all well and fine if laid out with a bit more parsimony. It’s been overdone. After those previous Twilight movies where Edward Cullen mouths off like a preternatural Don Juan, while sporting the expression of someone who’s going through labor, it’s now become vomit-inducing.

Taylor Lautner is a terrible actor. That guy has one expression. Maybe 2. He, rather laughably, turns into a wolf who’s as badass as a Teletubby. (Why didn’t they make them like the wolves in Underworld? Those were badass.) I’d rather squeeze Taylor’s wolf cheeks for being so cute than run away. The best thing about him in this movie is that he didn’t take his shirt off as much as he did in the last one. Sure, there’s a market for that kind of crap, but it slightly tells you this guy doesn’t have much going for him, acting-wise.

Bella, played by Kristen Stewart, is as dull as a doorknob. This fact further demonstrates the illogic of the movie; it isn’t clear to me how a vampire –or any rational agent for that matter– who’s ostensibly been able to live long enough to know a couple things, could take a liking for this sullenly ill-humored girl, who’s only slightly more entertaining to look at than paint drying.

The whole concept of vampires sparkling in the sun is awful. It’s really dumb. Why the author of this series thought this idea made any sense is beyond me. Calling the idea of sparkling vampires cheesy and corny is to be unfair to all the things in history those words were used to describe, putting them well below where anyone would’ve taken them.

The intermittent camera play on the handsomeness of the 2 lead male characters –while visually pleasing for 13-yr-olds– seems worthy of ridicule as it summarizes the whole fantasy quite succinctly; 2 charming, good-looking and unrealistically anti-sexual young men falling head-over-heels for an average girl who’s hot in some not unreachable way.

Don’t get me wrong. If you dig all that, then that’s fine. But, people rightly deride this movie for being the kind of paltry tripe that appeals to girls’ base fantasies in much the same way a movie about bikini-clad ninjas doing work more fitting for seal-team-six would to the fantasies of their male counterparts.

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Posted on November 24, 2011, in crap, funny, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 5 Comments.

  1. You know why I make fun of Twilight? Because it’s entertaining, that’s why!

    And yes, Lautner is about as badass as a Teletubby.

  2. Thanks Kate! There’s actually so much fun to be had in bashing Twilight. To see the reaction of the die-hards is another reason. =)

  3. Migs, Twilight has fooled me into watching these movies twice already, the first one and the second one. Am I watching the third, not a chance! These are the worst movies ever! I’m completely baffled why a lot of people like it so much!

    • @Bigshot

      I will actually be watching the next twilight movie for somewhat masochistic reasons. It’s awful. But, like a train wreck, it’s so awful that it’s so funny!

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